THE LOSS AND GAIN OF EXPECTATIONS

"My soul, wait silently for God alone,for my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5 NKJV

Ten months ago my life was a peaceful rhythm of confident expectations. I expected to grow old and have a happy life with my wife. I expected to pastor my church till I died.I expected my finances to remain stable and to live a comfortable life. I expected to have a great year after the year I had had before. Then suddenly my expectations were all shattered. I lost my marriage, I gave up my church, I lost my income, and ended up having the worst year of my life.

Shattered still to this day, I have wondered if I can expect the same expectations of the life I once had before and have now lost, considering the death of all the things that had made my life what it was. Now I find that I do not know what I can possibly expect out of life. It is hard to look forward to a life that seems like it will fall far short of what I planned, wanted,or expected. To think that life can still be good seems almost irreverent to me at times. I ask myself, how can my life be good without the people or the conditions that once promised to make it good? Frankly, having high expectations seems overconfident, foolish, and absurd to me at times.

But then, I ask myself, is that really true? Am I foolish or naive to think that my life can still be good? Can my expectations remain high? I think that they can remain as high as they were before all that I lost if I am willing to change my focus.

I cannot expect to grow old with my wife for that path is closed to me. I cannot expect to pastor my old church because that path is closed to me. I cannot expect the old life that I once lived. There are other expectations as well that if I hold onto them, I will or may be deeply disappointed.

But...perhaps, if God is God, I can expect something else that is equally good and new and fresh, only different. If I place my expectation in a loving, purposeful, merciful, God, my expectations can remain high if I am willing to adapt them to my new set of circumstances that He has allowed or placed me into.

This is not easy for me at all. Because of the loses that I have suffered I find it very difficult to keep my expectations high. I prefer the way my life once was even though now I look at it with new eyes and realize it was not a s good as I thought it was. Therefore, I have hesitated and struggled to believe my life can be good now. Here is what I have learned about my struggle with expectations:

Often times my sense of meaning to my life, my happiness, and inner tranquility are dependent upon circumstantial and environmental factors-good health, happy marriage, nice home, economic security, structured life, meaningful work, close friendships.


My losses have revealed to me the dominant role that these things have played into determining my own happiness. Loss has stripped me of everything I rely on for my well being. It has knocked me on my back. It has brought me to the end of myself.

But in coming to the end of myself, in my tears, loneliness, and brokenness,I am learning to go deeper in my relationship with God. I am learning to not expect nor put confidence in circumstances, environment, people, and my own expectations, but to do as David who said in Psalm 62

"Truly my soul silently waits for God;From Him comes my salvation.He only is my rock and my salvation;He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved...My soul, wait silently for God alone,For my expectation is from Him.He only is my rock and my salvation;He is my defense; I shall not be moved.In God is my salvation and my glory;The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God.Trust in Him at all times, you people;Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." (Psalm 62:1-2,5-8)

Oh how easy it is to take favorable circumstances for granted! My losses have brought out anger, ingratitude, depression and have exposed my weakness of soul that depends upon external factors for my well being.

I am now searching for a new life, one that depends less on circumstances and more on a depth of soul living on God and trusting in Him. He is one who says in Ephesians 4:32 that He is "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." With God reality may be much more than we ever thought it could be. he is one who loves us dearly and passionately and who says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." In coming to the end of myself, I am newly learning to hold onto in my expectations, one who is moving me and my life forward to wonderful and higher purposes in spite of what i see or feel or hope or dream.

So here I am learning simply to be whether we are divorced, ill, unemployed, widowed, abused, sick, or even dying. We can trust and expect in a God who loves us in our broken bodies and souls, our confusing thoughts, and our troubled emotions. We can trust that though life may not be what it once was, life can still be good and perhaps even better, just not the way it once was.

So, like Paul "the one thing I do, I forget what lies behind and press on to the high mark of my calling." (Philippians 3:13)

Learning to expect only in Him,
Pastor Bill