PRIDEFUL OR BROKEN, WHICH ARE YOU?

Two weeks ago I wrote a blog called "Brokenness Manor, God's Second Home." I have been thinking and reading much lately on brokenness. It is the place where I dwell in this season of my journey. I described brokenness in this way.:

Brokenness is not merely a one time act, it is a way of life. It may come out of a spiritual turning point or points. It is a lifestyle, a day to day, moment by moment way of agreeing with God about the true condition of our life for one microsecond apart from Him. It s agreeing with Jesus that "apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:7). It is the posture of surrender and submission of my self will to the will of God. It involves submitting to the place where He has us and adapting to the pace He is moving in our lives. Pay attention to those two key words: SURRENDER and SUBMISSION.

Remember where God says He lives back in Isaiah 57:15? "“I dwell...also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit." . That word "contrite" is one way the Old Testament puts brokenness. It literally means to be crushed into powder, to be pulverized. What is God looking to be pulverized in my life? Not my spirit, not my soul, not my heart, not who I am; He wants to break my self will. By doing that the life and spirit of God is released to me, in me, and through me before God and my fellow man. God desires to strip away all self reliance and independence and to cause us to totally depend up his grace working in and through us. What does it look like? John describes it this way in 1 John 1:7, "If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin".

A broken man or woman lives in free, transparent honesty and humility before God. That is the joyous freedom of walking in the light. Our lives are open and exposed before Him who knows and sees all. Oh what freedom and eased burdens are there in life when we live this way before God!

The result of this leads to a whole new way of living with others. A person broken before God also will be broken and humble before others as well. One person describes brokenness like a house with a roof and walls. God wants to blow the roof off (brokenness towards God) and the walls must come down (brokenness before man). God's richest blessings come only through brokenness.

What are the ways that you can determine whether or not you are a broken person or a prideful person? Nancy Leigh DeMoss provides excellent guidelines for the Christian who desires to "walk humbly with your God" (Micah.6:8). She gives 35 observations on identifying whether or not you are a prideful person or a broken person.

Open your heart to the holy Spirit as you read this and let Him minister grace, healing, conviction, truth, repentance, and brokenness to us all.

I. Attitudes Toward Others

Proud people focus on the failures of others and can readily point out those faults.
Broken people are more conscious of their own spiritual need than of anyone else's.
Proud people have a critical, faultfinding spirit. They look at everyone else's faults with a microscope but view their own with a telescope.
Broken people are compassionate-they have the kind of love that overlooks a multitude of sins; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.
Proud people are especially prone to criticize those in positions of authority-their pastor, their boss, their husband, their parents-and they talk to others about the faults they see.
Broken people reverence, encourage, and lift up those that God has placed in positions of authority, and they talk to God in intercession, rather than gossiping about the faults they see in others.
Proud people are self-righteous; they think highly of themselves and look down on others.
Broken people think the best of others; they esteem others as better than themselves.
Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit.
Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for God and others.

II. Attitudes About Rights

Proud people have to prove that they are right-they have to get the last word.
Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.
Proud people claim rights and have a demanding spirit.
Broken people yield their rights and have a meek spirit.
Proud people are self-protective of their time, their rights, and their reputation.
Broken people are self-denying and self-sacrificing.

III. Attitudes About Service and Ministry

Proud people desire to be served-they want life to revolve around them and their needs.
Broken people are motivated to serve others and to be sure others' needs are met before their own.
Proud people desire to be known as a success.
Broken people are motivated to be faithful and to make others successful.
Proud people have a feeling-conscious or subconscious -that "this ministry(or this organization) is privileged to have me and my gifts." They focus on what they can do for God.
Broken people have a heart attitude that says, "I don't deserve to have any part in this ministry"; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives.

 IV. Attitudes About Recognition

Proud people crave self-advancement.
Broken people desire to promote others
Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated for their efforts.
Broken people have a sense of their own unworthiness; they are thrilled God would use them at all.
Proud people get wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked.
Broken people are eager for others to get credit, and they rejoice when others are lifted up.
Proud people are elated by praise and deflated by criticism.
Broken people know that any praise of their accomplishments belongs to the Lord and that criticism can help them grow into spiritual maturity.

V. Attitudes About Themselves

Proud people feel confident in how much they know.
Broken people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.
Proud people are self-conscious; they worry about what others think of them.
Broken people are not preoccupied with what others think of them.
Proud people are concerned about appearing respectable; they are driven to protect their image and reputation.
Broken people are concerned with being real; they care less about what others think than about what God knows-they are willing to die to their own reputation.
Proud people can't bear to fail or for anyone to think they are less than perfect. This can drive them to extremes-workaholic tendencies, perfectionism, the tendency to drive others or to place unrealistic expectations on themselves or others.
Broken people can recognize and live within God-given limitations.

VI. Attitudes About Relationships

Proud people keep others at arm's length.
Broken people are willing to take the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately.
Proud people are quick to blame others.
Broken people accept personal responsibility and can acknowledge where they were wrong in a situation.
Proud people wait for others to come and ask forgiveness when there is a misunderstanding or a breach in a relationship.
Broken people take the initiative to be reconciled, no matter how wrong the other party may have been.
Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when corrected.
Broken people receive correction with a humble, open spirit.
Proud people find it difficult to discuss their spiritual needs with others.
Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.
Proud people try to control the people and circumstances around them- they are prone to manipulate.
Broken people trust in God- they rest in Him and are able to wait for Him to act on their behalf.
Proud people become bitter and resentful when they are wronged; they have emotional temper tantrums; they hold others hostage and are easily offended; they carry grudges and keep a record of others' wrongs.
Broken people give thanks in all things; they are quick to forgive those who wrong them.

Praying for brokenness to characterize myself before God and others,

Pastor Bill

FORGING A NEW IDENTITY FROM GOD

I have to confess that I have a very difficult time on Sunday mornings. For 23 years Sunday morning was my big moment of the week as I preached to my beloved congregation. I looked forward all week to that Sunday moment. It was there I felt most alive, most reward, most meaning to my life, and when I was living out my purpose on this earth. All of that ceased 2 1/2 years ago and now Sunday mornings are just sad for me.  It was if my identity became amputated when I gave up my ministry and pulpit.  I was amputated from my role and identity as a preaching/teaching pastor. For me, what I do has always contributed significantly to my own self understanding. I felt amputated from my profession as a pastor; and amputated from myself as a husband.  In short, it was the amputation of who I once was or wanted to be, the self I may no longer become. Loss confuses our identity because we measure ourselves primarily by the roles we play in life and the relationships we have. For me, I have found myself in vertigo  from all the loss and change. Sometimes I feel like a complete stranger to myself. I do not know what to do with me. I have found myself living this new life but acting still like I was living the old life. Whoever I perceived my self to be has been unable to find its old place. It feels homeless.

I have often times these past few years tried to form a new identity by attempting to replace the amputated identity with something new. It has not worked for me.

Anyone who has exprienced loss or disappointments can understand the confusion. Our language reveals it: "I used to be a husband  until I lost my wife. I used to be a pastor until I lost my church. I used to be _____(fill in the blank) until I lost my________(fill in the blank).

We call this an identity crises. But loss can often times becomes the spring board for forging a new identity, one that God defines for us. God uses loss to create new environments and circumstances that draw us close to Him where we find our true identity.

My reality is that I am divorced. My children are all grown up and living their own lives. Most of the circle of friends I once had are all gone. I no longer have the church I pastored for 23 years. These are the undeniable realities of my life.

But I also have new love in my life. I have a house church that I pastor. I have new friends. But, I have something more. In reality I have always had it. I am learning that my identity is not defined in what I do, where I live, my health, my possessions, my image, my relationships, and favorable circumstances. Loss has finally caused me to come to the end of myself and to the beginning of a vastly deeper,vital relationship with God. George Mueller used to say, "the end of self, is the beginning of God."

Loss caused me to see how much I took favorable things in life for granted. When all the things that I had forged to find identity were taken away I discovered that I had based my identity largely on external things. I discovered that I desperately need someone greater than Bill Robison to help me find my worth.  God is helping me to find my identity in Him and His love, grace, and mercy. I am learning to simply be who I am in Him.

The apostle Peter really helps us in forging our identity.Keep in mind that Peter is identifying Christians. This is who you are if you are a Christian. This is how you got your identity as a Christian. This is what you are here for as a Christian. He gives five ways of describing your identity, answering the question of who you are.

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10


1. You are a chosen race Verse 9 The chosen race is not black or white or red or yellow or brown. The chosen race is a new people from all the peoples -- all the colors and cultures -- who are now aliens and strangers among in the world. In verse 11 Peter writes, "Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers . . ." What gives us our identity is not color or culture but chosiness. Christians are the chosen race. We are the black chosen and the white chosen and the yellow chosen and the red chosen. Out from all the races we have been chosen - one at a time, not on the basis of belonging to any group. Who am I? I am chosen by God! John 15:16, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you." Ephesians 1:4, "for he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.” I do not know why. It was nothing in me of value above other humans. I did not earn it or merit it, or meet any conditions to get it. It happened before I was born. Deuteronomy 7:6-8, “The LORD did not set His love on you nor choose you because you were more in number than any other people, for you were the least of all peoples; but because the LORD loves you.” I stand in awe of it. I tremble with joy at it. I bow and accept it. I long to be faithful to its purpose. I am chosen by God!
2. You are pitied Verse 10b: ". . . you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." I choose the word "pitied" because the word for mercy in Greek here is a verb and the closest word we have in English like "mercied" is "pitied." It's not a bad translation. When God chose us, he then saw us in our sin and guilt and condemnation and he pitied us. We are not just chosen. We are pitied. We are the not just the objects of his choice, but the objects of his mercy. I am chosen and I am pitied- or you could say I am "graced." I am "loved." God did not just choose me and stand aloof. He is 100% for me! He chose me and then drew near in mercy to help me and save me. My identity is fundamentally this: I have been shown mercy. I am a "mercied" person. I get my identity not first from my actions, but from being acted upon -- with pity. I am a pitied one.

3. You are God's possession This is expressed twice. Verse 9: "You are . . . a people for his own possession." Verse 10a: "Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people."
You are chosen by God; you are pitied by God; and the effect of that pity -- that mercy -- is that God takes you to be his own possession. In what sense are we Christ’s possession? The Apostle Paul describes it as a peculiar ownership this way in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?"

In what sense? He explains in verse 20: "For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." Paul describes two ways that Christ makes us his own: purchase and habitation. There was a time in this country when you could lay claim to a piece of land in the west by simply going there and living on it, homesteading it. And of course there is the more traditional ways of obtaining land, paying for it. Christ did both in order to possess a people for himself: he bought us, and he homesteaded us. "You are not your own. For you have been bought with a price" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) – that’s the purchase. "You are the temple of the Holy Spirit . . . You are not your own" . . . "If anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ" (1 Corinthians 6:19; Romans 8:9) – that’s the homesteading. He bought us with his blood, and he moves in by his Spirit. Wow! If you are a Christian, you are not your own. You belong to Christ and are homesteaded by Christ.

4. You are holy Verse 9: "You are a . . . holy nation." You have been chosen and pitied and possessed by God; and therefore you are not merely part of the world any more. You are set apart by God for God. You exist for God. And since God is holy, you are holy. You share his character, because he chose you, pitied you, possessed you. When God is called holy it means that He is unique, separate, and distinct, in a class by all by himself. So to speak of God’s Holiness speaks of His infinite and unique and ultimate value. You are not just patched up converted sinners. You are Holy in God’s sight! This means that He has separated you unto himself; therefore you are unique, special, and distinct from the world. You are holy. If you do not act in a holy way, you act out of character. You contradict your essence as a Christian. For your identity is holiness to the Lord: you are holy. No wonder why Peter says in 1 Peter 1:15-16, 'but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, "YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY."

5. And finally, you are a royal priest. Verse 9: "You are a ... royal priesthood." You are chosen by God and pitied by God and possessed by God and holy like God and royal priests to God. You are chosen by God and pitied by God and possessed by God and holy like God and royal priests to God. The point here is first that you have immediate access to God - you don't need another human priest as a mediator. God himself provided the one Mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ. You have direct access to God, through God. And, second, you have an exalted, active role in God's presence. You are not chosen, pitied, possessed, and holy just to fritter away your time doing nothing. You are called now to minister in the presence of God. All your life is priestly service. That's an unbeatable combination. Being holy makes us fit to serve a holy God. And being royal makes us fit to serve the King of Kings. You are never out of God's presence. You are never in a neutral zone. You are always in the court of the temple. And your life is either a spiritual service of worship (Rom. 12:1-2), or it is out of character.

O Christian, know who you are. Forge your identity solely in him, not external things like work, possessions, environment, relationships, and favorable circumstances. More importantly, know whose you are. Know who is your purpose. Take with you the awe of knowing that God has chosen you and made you into a chosen race, a royal priesthood and a holy nation. Let this be your identity and let Him be your purpose. Let it distinguish you from the world as you set about the king's priestly business declaring and showing his Excellencies. Let God define you and let his defining grace change how you think, what you desire, and how you live.

I believe that with this new identity I can simply be as a chosen man, a pitied man, an owned man, a holy man, and a priestly man whether i am divorced, widowed, unemployed, poor, alone, abused, rejected, sick, or even dying.I can allow myself to loved by God though my body may be broken, my thoughts confused, and my emotions troubled.

Forging my identity in God alone day by day by His mercy and grace,
Pastor Bill

BROKENNESS MANOR, GOD'S SECOND HOME

  "For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:“I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite." Isaiah 57:15

Did you know that God has two addresses? That is what Isaiah 57:15 tells us. The first address most of us assume. We are told that the high and exalted God of the universe lives in eternity " in the high and holy place".  Yet, the prophet Isaiah tells us that God has another address where He lives as well.This may astound you, move you, encourage you, and touch you a you read this. Listen carefully, for God is speaking as you read this.It is amazing!

“I dwell...also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit."

You would think a perfect being, a royal king, a sovereign ruler, would be very comfortable living with the wealthy and successful. But this King chooses to dwell with a certain kind of person. He is drawn and attracted to those who have a broken and contrite spirit. I call this place, "Brokenness Manor." It is God's second home!

If you read Psalm 51, the great heartfelt prayer of penitence of King David after he fell into sin with Bathsheba, you find there what God desires from His people.

"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:!6-17

What does God want from you and me? "...a broken and contrite heart".

In His sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us the secret of true joy. He begins by saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3). Blessed are the poor? blessed are the destitute? Jesus introduces a whole new way of thinking and feeling about life. The the word that is used for poor is the word ptochos.  In Greek there are two words for poor.  There is the word penes.  Penes describes a man who has to work for his living; the man who is not rich, but who is not destitute either.  But, as we-have seen, it is not penes that is used in this beatitude, it is pt6chos, which describes absolute and abject poverty.  It is connected with the root pt6ssein, which means to crouch or to cower, and it describes the poverty which is beaten to its knees. Ptochos describes the man who has nothing at all.  So this beatitude becomes even more surprising.  Blessed is the man who is abjectly and completely poverty-stricken.  Blessed is the man who is absolutely destitute. Blessed are the spiritual zero’s. The bankrupt, deprived, deficient. The ones that nothing would suggest that god would work through their lives.

They are the ones who are utterly spiritually destitute and bankrupt. They know that they have no chance of survival apart from God's intervening mercy and grace. Because of their need, they reach out to Him. He responds by lavishing them with the Kingdom and flooding their poor, needy hearts with reviving, surprising joy and happiness!

The place to meet God dear reader is the place of humility and brokenness; "Brokenness Manor". Our families, ministries, lives, churches, and ministries will never be the vibrant God glorifying, God magnifying, God honoring witness we are to be until we are broken.

This is the heart of James 4:8-10, "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you".
 
You don't hear pastors or churches preaching sermons or offering seminars or conferences on "How to Mourn and Weep". We want to be happy and whole. We want to feel better about ourselves and our lives. God says, you want to be close to me? You want to be happy? You want to keep lifting yourself up? God says, "humble yourself, and I will lift you up."   What is brokenness? It is not always walking around always depressed or sad. It is not wallowing in self pity. It is not being morbidly self focused and introspective. It is not feeling like you need to be depressed, do penance, self flagellation or mutilation. it is not false humility or constant putting oneself down. It is not having experienced a great tragedy or loss in itself.  

What is brokenness? Brokenness is not merely a one time act, it is a way of life. It may come out of a spiritual turning point or points. It is a lifestyle, a day to day, moment by moment way of agreeing with God about the true condition of our life for one microsecond apart from Him.   It s agreeing with Jesus that "apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:7).   It is the posture of surrender and submission of my self will to the will of God. It involves submitting to the place where He has us and adapting to the pace He is moving in our lives. Pay attention to those two key words: SURRENDER and SUBMISSION.  

Remember where God says He lives back in Isaiah 57:15? "“I dwell...also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit." . That word "contrite" is one way the Old Testament puts brokenness. It literally means to be crushed into powder, to be pulverized. What is God looking to be pulverized in my life? Not my spirit, not my soul, not my heart, not who I am; He wants to break my self will. By doing that the life and spirit of God is released to me, in me, and through me before God and my fellow man. God desires to strip away all self reliance and independence and to cause us to totally depend up his grace working in and through us.   What does it look like? John describes it this way in 1 John 1:7, "If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin".

A broken man or woman lives in free, transparent honesty and humility before God. That is the joyous freedom of walking in the light. Our lives are open and exposed before Him who knows and sees all. Oh what freedom and eased burdens are there in life when we live this way before God!

The result of this leads to a whole new way of living with others. A person broken before God also will be broken and humble before others as well. One person describes brokenness like a house with a roof and walls. God wants to blow the roof off (brokenness towards God) and the walls must come down (brokenness before man). God's richest blessings come only through brokenness. Listen to God's promise of blessings to broken, humble, and contrite people:

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen".  (Ephesians 3:20)

He invites you to move into His favorite earthly home, BROKENNESS MANOR! He is looking for are people who are absolutely dependent upon Him, who are absolutely surrendered to Him. He is looking for poor, destitute people who stand completely on faith and nothing else. 2 Chronicles 16:9, " For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him"

When you understand this extraordinary God and the extraordinary work that He desires to do through your brokenness you can begin praying a broken prayer like this: “Lord, let me make a difference for you that is utterly disproportionate to who I am". This is a prayer that any one of you who feel passionless, loveless, weak, inadequate, can pray boldly without fear of presumption. The wording of the prayer contains a disclaimer: "I am not great. But you, Lord, are very great. So in your astonishing sovereignty and glorious omnipotence you can flood us with love, passion, and power and let my little life make a difference far beyond all our little powers."  Pray this for yourself watch God move in your broken life.

Utterly Broken,
Pastor Bill

LEARNING TO EMBRACE THE DARKNESS IN ORDER TO SEE THE LIGHT

This weeks blog is a personal testimony that I hope encourages you. Please read it in its entirety so that it has its full affect. I have been a Christian for 38 yeares and a pastor for over 35 years. I am in the process of planting another church in San Clemente.I hope that my honesty and vulnerability encourages all Christians, leaders, and pastors that Christians are sinners saved by grace, sustained by grace, and preserved by grace. Christianity is not about men and women, it is all about jesus Christ. I know for a fact that many Christians and pastors have real battles but few are honest enough to speak of it. It is not religiously correct in the church culture.

My calling is 1 Timothy 1:15-16, "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life" I am but a clay pot, a messenger, a humble servant of the Lord. I make no boasts or claims for myself except to say from 1 Timothy 1:17, "To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen". I am utterly blessed, priviledged and honored to serve Jesus and His precious flock.

Two and a half years ago darkness descended into my life. Since then I have never known such anguish and emptiness in my life. For much of this time I have been like a man trying run and catch the sunset, but no matter how fast I ran towards it, I lost the race. The sun had set on that part of my life. If I looked ahead or to the east, all I saw was foreboding darkness closing in on me from the east. It terrified me. So many times these past years I have futility tried to keep running after the sun, even though deep inside I knew it was futile and always outran me. So, I stayed stuck in many ways, trying to run from the coming darkness and frantically running towards the fading sun of my past. There had been my life, my identity, my center, my security, my safe place, my happiness, and all I saw was I can't lose that because if I do, all there is is darkness.

So, many days these past two and a half years, I have collapsed and fallen into despair. I have thought that I would live in darkness the rest of my life and have often felt abject terror in my soul. It has been a real struggle to find peace, hope, joy, and meaning to my life. But I have come to see that though the sun sets in the west, it rises in the east. The best way to find the sun again is to head straight into the darkness until eventually one sees the sunrise.

I have discovered that I have the power to choose which direction I am heading in my life. I could keep running towards the sunset (which is another way of saying that I held onto my past) or I could face the darkness and stop trying to outrun it, to let God in my darkness take me on a journey wherever it may lead and allow God to transform me in my suffering and pain rather than fighting and running to avoid it.

So I have had to face the pain. Many times I used to talk about it but found that people got tired of hearing about it, or glibly just told me to get over it, some accused me of self pity, others just distanced themselves from me and in some ways I could hardly blame them. Who wants to be around a hurting, sad, despondent person?. But most people have been very kind and that my own pain has invited them to face, feel, and express their own inner pain from their own losses.

Solitude has been a cherished place in my life because it has invited me to be with the one who stores my tears in a bottle as I have written previously about. In that place of solitude I have cried many tears to God in the anguish of my soul.

Many times these past few years I have wanted to pray but have been clueless as if struck dumb and mute by my own pain. I have learned to cherish the language of groans because at times it has been my only utterance to God. I truly believe it is an utterance our compassionate God has both graced us with and though at times it has been the only language that i use, it has become a language my merciful loving father understands. According to Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  My groanings became an invitation for God to draw near and to intercede for me with groans that my words cannot express.

These groaning moments have given me moments to express my grief to God and to intensely reflect as well.  They have radically empowered me to be able to go on and live my life shepherding a little flock, being in a relationship, counseling others who hurt, and performing God glorifying, life and love affirming weddings to help pay my bills.

Entering into darkness has been a major step of growth in my life. It has had its negative and positive aspects. Negatively, I have battled deep depression, regret, deep doubts and feelings of utter disappointment, confusion, fear, anxiety, stress, unbelief, despair, purposelessness, lostness, and levels of inner agony I never knew could be.

But that is only half my story. The positive is that by running to face the pain, I have come to see that my losses are not the defining moment of my life, how I respond to them is the defining moment of my life. It is not what has happened to us rather because of life, others, or our own choices, it is what happens in us that really matters. I can either be a victim and build a monument to my loss or I can become a victor and allow it to transform me into a deeper, more godly, better man than I was before the darkness entered in. Darkness has invaded my soul these past few years, but so has the light! both darkness and light have changed me and are presently transforming me.

Jesus says that. "unless a seed falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit"(John 12:32).  I get it. I have had to die in order to live. I am seeing that I can have not light after the darkness, but in the darkness. I have allowed pain and darkness take a place in my life that have absorbed into me and become a part of who I am. Sorrow is a part of my life and is enlarging it. As a result, in my brokenness I am entering into a new and deeper and different life.

Every day I am having to choose: run back to the fading sunset or go east into the darkness pursuing through and in the darkness, the coming sunrise. "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5). I can indulge in self pity or turn my pain into compassion, empathy, and mercy to others as I embrace their pain as my own. I can run from my sorrow and try to escape it through the fleeting pleasures of sin or I can learn to live with sorrow holding on to the promise of future joy.  I can be a bitter victim or I can be a grateful, joyful, better man through it all.

Loss and pain can make us more not less; unless we allow our pains, griefs, and losses to grind our souls down until there is nothing left but a person controlled and dominated by external circumstances, environments, and relationships. I will say it again dear reader, loss can make us more! In darkness we can see light. In losses we can also experience great gain. In death we can experience life. In losing we can become winners. In sorrow we can find joy.

I have truly learned what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 6:10, "...as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing". I have learned to live and mourn simultaneously. Our souls can grow to die and live again, to suffer loss and find great gain, to suffer abandonment and find God, to face the night and venture towards sunrise.

The sorrow that I have known these past two and a half years is still deeply in me BUT, it has has become a part of who I am. It is like a barren part of a yard that is always there but I have decided to plant flowers all around it so that the landscape of my loss is not as ugly to me as it once was but now is part of something much more beautiful.

Now I have chosen to die and live again. To suffer the loss of all things in order to gain the one thing. To chose to face the night so that I may walk towards the lovely sunrise. Its gonna be a good adventure for sure.

"He is no fool to give up what he cannot keep, in order to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliot

I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you which shall be the darkness of God...
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

T.S. Elliot

Living in light and darkness, Pastor Bill